Return of the clavicle

Look alike

2009-03-10T11:19:00.002+05:30

They say you start
resembling your partner
if you stay with them
long enough. Wonder
what it would be like
to resemble loneliness.

March 10, 2009

Fear

2009-01-06T10:22:00.002+05:30

Don't know what I am more
terrified of. Getting my heart
broken again or never letting
my heart
get broken again.

Noticed

2009-01-06T10:08:00.004+05:30

There are many more
moustachioed men flying
Indian Airlines.

Mumbai Airport, Jan 6th

Ha reham ha reham farmaaye khuda

2008-09-16T21:19:00.007+05:30

Sone chamak mein, sikko kanak mein miltha nahin,
Miltha nahin dhool ke sadko mein,
dhunde koi to miltha wahin miltha wahin
Kya majaal teri marzi ke aage, bandhon ki chal jaayegi
Thaane ungli jo tu katputhli ki chaal badal jaayegi jaayegi
Ha reham, ha reham farmaaye khuda
Ha reham, ha reham farmaaye khuda
Mehfuz har kadam, karna eh khuda, karna eh khuda
Mehfuz har kadam, karna eh khuda.

The lines are not mine nor is the picture. This is because I wasn't able to find anything better to describe what I felt this sunday as I walked from Lower parel to Girgaum chowpati for the Ganesh Visarjan, just a day after the Delhi blasts. My heart was full as I prayed to him - Ha reham, ha reham farmaaye bappa. Keep my loved ones safe, keep my country safe.

* Picture from rediff. Lyrics from the movie Aamir.

Intermission

2008-09-01T22:01:00.002+05:30

Over.

Run Indi Run

2007-12-25T18:44:00.000+05:30

Run. I have done this so many times in life I figured I should be good at it in a race.

Not really.

When I decided that I would run the Mumbai Half Marathon on the 20th of Jan, 2008, I was barely able to run 2 km at a stretch. Two months into the training, I am at 14 km and a lot more confident of completing 21 km.

However, this post is not about the strides I am making in my running goals. It is about a couple of causes I am running for.

A) The 70-strong group I am running with is supporting the I Hear Foundation (IHF). IHF was started three years ago as an educational, charitable trust, committed to working with babies and children born with a hearing loss.

Should you like to support us, please draw your cheques in favour of "I Hear Foundation" . If you would like to know more, their website is: www.ihearfoundation.org

B) Some of you who know me well will understand why I have chosen this charity. Schizophrenia Reseach Foundation (SCARF) has been working towards improving the quality of life of the mentally ill as well as the advancement of knowledge about mental illness. It is hoped that misconceptions about the illness will gradually disappear facilitating early treatment
and prevention of disability.

Here are a couple of more links for details -
http://www.scarfindia.org/home.htm
http://www.giveindia.org/give/ngoprofile/getOrganisationProfile.do?ngoid=155

If you would like to contribute to SCARF, please draw your cheques out to Schizophrenia Research Foundation (India)

I would truly appreciate if you supported my run and the causes I am running for. You can simply email me at kaajukatli@gmail.com pledging ANY AMOUNT.
I will then individually reply to you and arrange to collect your donation. It is completely ok if you do not identify with or want to contribute to any of the causes I have listed either. Just come and cheer!

Thank you for reading this post.

Mumbai Dec 2007

Picture

2007-10-08T22:51:00.000+05:30

Picture

this
a window pane
1888 fm color phone
hoarding coming down
a sudden spell
wet crow
angry cloud
sticky bill
now flapping, now still,
on a window
pane.

Now you paint.

Chennai, July 2007

Overheard

2007-02-19T19:14:00.000+05:30

Yes?
Half legs
Half arms
Cut
Cut also?
Little
Front short?
Hmmmm
Coming after a long time, no?
First time after marriage, no?
Hmmmmm
So dark you’ve become.
Honeymoon in Goa?
Do full arms, no? Nice it’ll be.
Just married and all.
No! No! It’s okay….
See, I’ll…bhagwaan, what’s this!?
It’s nothing, nothing, he doesn’t like me
wearing sleeveless, then why to do
full arms?

Silence

Eyebrow shape not okay
One is up, one down. I’ll change it okay,
Don’t worry. Don’t worry.
Okay. Fine. Do that.
Yes. Change it.
Change it.

Change it.

Overheard. Sunday. Feb 2007.

Later

2006-10-24T23:26:00.000+05:30

Fight it.
I want to.
My knees weaken
under the weight
of desire.
My mind links
unlinks
moments gone,
before and after;
windows
opened and never closed.

Retreat.
I want to.
From places
I don't belong in;
spaces I can't occupy.

It's too late now;
I'm already in
that yellow black bumpy ride,
my spine resting tersely, unsurely
on rexine blueness;
fingers clumsily trying
to remember a tune from before.

The table, the ashtray, the waiter.
I see them all
in slow motion.
you-
I search for.
for that part i can own,
that one
painful bit
I can call mine.

We talk.
back and forth
we go,
smiling distantly,
casually carelessly.
We talk of
this that
that this.

Lights flicker past.
fast slow fast slow
as we seek darkness
in a city unknown to me.
Yet i see places
so
suddenly
softly
intimately
that I know I can never be
a stranger here.
ever again.

Tongue. mouth. hand. toe. more.
I want to press against you
into pages of a book
you've kept hidden
from everyone
but me.

Later, I wonder.
How easily you kill
me, to make me
live again.
Later, when it's
over, I wonder.

From the archives.

Return

2006-09-27T18:10:00.000+05:30

I'm done
being gone.

The Moment - Margaret Atwood

2006-08-02T19:01:00.000+05:30

The moment when, after many years
of hard work and a long voyage
you stand in the centre of your room,
house, half-acre, square mile, island, country,
knowing at last how you got there,
and say, I own this,

is the same moment when the trees unloose
their soft arms from around you,
the birds take back their language,
the cliffs fissure and collapse,
the air moves back from you like a wave
and you can't breathe.

No, they whisper. You own nothing.
You were a visitor, time after time
climbing the hill, planting the flag, proclaiming.
We never belonged to you.
You never found us.
It was always the other way round.

Dry

2006-07-25T11:07:00.000+05:30

spells make
no magic.

Enough!

2006-05-02T18:50:00.000+05:30

Enough already with
your angsty pomes!
It’s getting a little
tiresome; your tomes
of love lost, gone bad
are among the worst
that one ever saw.
Can we have less
of this Indi raw?

Written for a Caferati exercise on 'write an insulting poem on yourself' :-)

Surprise

2006-04-27T18:33:00.000+05:30

Freshly startled
by an old wound;
didn't know it could
still do that

Lately

2006-03-18T11:10:00.000+05:30

Haven’t been reading much these days. And when I do, I keep re-reading old favourites. Just one of those phases I hope to get over soon. This however hasn’t stopped me from buying new books.

1. What is the total number of books you've owned?
About 300 – 400

2.What are the last books you bought?
Shalimar The Clown – Salman Rushdie
Shantaram – Gregory David Roberts
Kite Runner – Khalid Hosseini
Falling off the map – Pico Iyer (for the second time)

3. What is the last book you've read?
Kite Runner - On the whole an interesting read, even though the pace did falter a bit in the middle.

4. What are you currently reading?
Shantaram – Rather unsuccessfully I might add. It's taking forever.

5. What are the 5 books that have meant a lot to you or that you particularly enjoyed?
ANYTHING by P.G Wodehouse
He has to be my favourite writer. Can’t choose between any of his books, but I particularly loved his ‘ The GoldBat and other school stories’. School days, cricket and Wodehouse, what a delightful combination.

SOPHIE'S CHOICE by William Styron
Heartbreaking, beautiful. Vivid, disturbing and emotionally draining.

TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD by Harper Lee
Atticus Finch and Scout. This father and daughter relationship was so beautifully portrayed. Remember the line - You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, until you climb into his skin and walk around in it?

JO’s BOYS - Louisa M. Alcott
Shoefiend - Me too, me too. Loved the entire series.

COLLECTED POEMS of Emily Dickinson
Given to me by a dear friend years and years ago. Re-read ever so often and deeply cherished. Emily Dickinson is one of my favourite poets.

ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT by Erich Maria Remarque
Found this incredibly well-written and moving. My father being in the army had probably something to do with my fascination for books on war.

BOUND BOOKS by Various Comics
This is not really a real book but Tinkles, Amar Chitra Khatas and other assorted comics all bound together thickly. I remember they were all labelled Bound Book 1, Bound book 2, Bound Book 3 etc - you get the picture- so they wouldn’t get torn or lost. Several transfers and some over- enthusiastic-lending-to-cute boys later, sadly not a single bound book remains.

6. What book(s) would you wish to buy next?
Nothing as of now. Have lots of catching up to do.

7. What book(s) caught your attention but you never had a chance to read?
Refer question 2. Or maybe - Premchand ke sampoorna kahaniyan

8. What book(s) that you've owned for so long but never read?
Too many to list by Shamefaced me.

9. Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and why?
Anyone who wants to take this on!

Blank

2006-03-06T15:58:00.000+05:30

Shhhhhh,
shhhhhh,
Shhhhhh.
Don’t tell.
Don’t yell.
Take this in your
mouth.
Take this in your
mouth.
This should
shut you up
for life.
In hell.

Here's my post for the Blank Noise Project Blogathon. It's not easy to talk about sexual harassment whether it's subtle or overt. There's almost always a sense of shame, guilt and fear that clings on for much much longer. But one has to talk. To scream. To shout. To protest. To not let it happen to someone else.

Blank Noise Project Blogathon

2006-03-03T16:54:00.000+05:30

If you've got something to say about sexual harassment
on the streets, at home, at work, anywhere, do be a
part of the Blank Noise Project Blogathon. You'll
need to have your articles, poems or comments
up by March 7th, 2006. Do spread the word around

as well.

Thank you.

Flattery

2006-02-24T13:58:00.000+05:30

“Acchi didi,
Pyari didi,
paise do na?”
A spindly arm
reaches into my cab and I look
up to see her pleading eyes.
When I turn my face away,
she adds quickly,
“Tum Rani Mukherjee
jaise dikhti ho,
paise do na?”
For a second, I’m
stunned; look at
her blankly.
Then almost immediately
both of us burst out laughing
at the pathetic desperation
of her situation.

And
mine.

Travellete 4 - Bombay, Feb 2006.

Timepass

2006-02-18T11:05:00.001+05:30

Being stuck for hours in cabs on Mumbai's trafficrazy roads wasn't fun. I kept myself
amused by linking up names of places to Hindi film songs and then singing them
aloud much to the surprise of the cabbies. Here are a few. For the rest, you'll just
have to email me!

Mahim: Maahim, Maahim aaja maahim re!

Dadar: Dadar dil, daadar jigar, dil mein jagaya aapne

Nariman Point: Nariman tera pyasa, nariman tera

Chandivali: Chera hai ya chandivali hai...

Matunga: Matunga, sing a little louder. Matunga, she take me money
and run Venezuela. (This was tough to do in Hindi, so I cheated a bit)

Mumbai. Feb 2005

Leaving

2006-02-18T11:05:00.000+05:30

Checked in: One frayed
olive-green bag stuffed
with things I may never
need.
Carry on: I can't.

Bangalore Airport. Feb 2005

Hope

2006-01-20T18:50:00.000+05:30

I want to
press against you
into pages of
a book.
Maybe then
you’ll see me slip
to the floor in pretty
patterns
when you open
that chapter
again. Someday.

Play

2006-01-12T18:32:00.000+05:30

Yellow dhotis, caps
sweaters, robes
jostle for space on
the ghats.
One hundred and two
sunset priestlings
(can I call them that?)
offer Aarti to the
flowing ganges; they
chant loudly, noisily,
sometimes in and
mostly a little off-
tune.

Saffron marigold
petals float alongside
wishes; temple bells
dance to the sound of
prayers; the unstill river
stills my mind.

Twilight blurs my
vision and then
unexpectedly tears too,
as I catch him
surreptitiously cheekily
unraveling wool from
his neighbour’s
sweater; forgetting
(in those moments)
to chant.

He may well be a priest, yes,
I think, as I watched him play
unguarded.
But isn’t he really
really, just a little
boy?

Travellete 3 - Haridwar, On the banks of the river Ganga, Nov 2005.

Measure

2006-01-03T17:29:00.000+05:30

He holds my hand,
squeezes it gently;
Ram pyari do
Mangala ek,
(and something else
I couldn't quite catch)
he yells at
a wrinkled old man sitting
in a tiny room behind him.

Magically almost,
orange green pink
sparkling twinkling
music-laden
bangles slide
effortlessly
up my arms and
into my heart.

How did you know my size,
I ask him curiously,
you didn’t even
measure.

When you’ve held hands
with many women,
he replies mockingly,
you know
everything.

Travellete 2 - Bangle Walla, Sarojini Nagar Market, Delhi, November 2005.

Price

2005-12-30T11:46:00.000+05:30

Bought a couplet from a little boy
selling shayari;
“Didi, listen, this will make you
very happy”, he said.
I listened greedily as the beautiful
lines washed over me.

When he held out a
grubby palm for his payment,
I clutched it tightly
crushing
the note within.
How much for a forever supply?
I mouthed inwardly.

His smile slipped, his
eyes fell silent;
don’t you know,
he seemed to say,
as he wriggled out of my
grasp, there is
no such thing
as
forever?

Travelette 1 - Sheik Salim Chisti’s Dargah, Fatehpur Sikri. November 2005.

Signs

2005-11-30T15:12:00.001+05:30

Unsure of which
way to turn
I hear;
lept lept
lept ri lept
lept lept
lept ri lept
faarwor march!
A school band
practising
in the distance
has all the
answers.

Baked

2005-11-17T14:34:00.000+05:30

a cake today
and left it to rise,
and how it rose.
An orange cinnamon
ball of warm love that
couldn’t be contained;
So I let it go whole,
untasted, untouched,
heavenwards
to you.

Written for an exercise on SC&Co with a picture for inspiration.

Swollen

2005-10-19T17:35:00.000+05:30

veins
on papery arms,
so green.

Listless

2005-10-19T17:33:00.000+05:30

laundry
clings bravely
to untaut lines.

Tear

2005-10-19T17:31:00.000+05:30

drops
through the cracks
in my heart.

Stray

2005-10-19T17:29:00.000+05:30

thoughts
poured into the sea
overflow.

Clouds

2005-10-11T13:50:00.000+05:30

Fluffy floating
bathtubs
for soiled angels.

Written for a word picture exercise on SC&Co.

Yes

2005-10-11T13:02:00.000+05:30

I could write today
of things left unsaid
if only it wouldn’t
hurt so much;
I could write today
of things left undone
if only it wouldn’t
tear me to shreds;
I could write today
of the untouched,
unclaimed, untorn good,
I would probably
write today
if only I could.

Dismembered

2005-09-22T19:09:00.000+05:30

fragments of
a story- that much
loved second line,
a middle thought of
never written,
and ending -
now lie
furiously
putrifying
in my mind.

Why am I a vegetarian?

2005-09-20T09:55:00.000+05:30

MAA BOOBS
BRAILERS

Saw this sign outside a store that sells chicken, I think :-)!

Both

2005-09-12T12:04:00.000+05:30

feet in
sticky gloom;
like chewing gum
on the underside
of bata chappels,
that won’t hold tight
yet won’t let go.

Dear Johnalingham,

2005-09-05T11:05:00.000+05:30

Tired of making buckets of taiiyr sadam for you. Am leaving you for someone who is lactose intolerant.

lovely,
Janalakshmi.

Written for a 'Dear John letter' exercise on Shakespeare and Co. network.

Find

2005-08-29T14:43:00.000+05:30

me something
real to believe
in.

Why?

2005-08-29T14:39:00.000+05:30

Child on the pavement
carrying stones.
Down came a car driver
broke child’s bones.
Ah, said the passersby
that’s his fate.
Gah, said the car driver,
I’m running late!

Shut up!

2005-08-19T16:17:00.000+05:30

Go away.
Leave me alone.
No!
Don’t.
Stay?
Talk?
Even demons in the mind
can become friends in time.

Jump

2005-08-09T12:19:00.000+05:30

monkey into a hoop monkey
damara damara dum.
Flip monkey somersault monkey
damara damara dum.
Give monkey money please monkey
damara damara dum.
Isn't this so much fun monkey
damara damara dum.
Except we're not monkeys monkey
damara damara dum.
We're little children monkey
damara damara dum.

Desperate

2005-08-03T17:16:00.000+05:30

toes
curled at the
edge of a precipice;
body lurching
towards
nothingness.

Going

2005-07-30T17:19:00.000+05:30

to this far away
place in my
mind.
Don’t know when
I’ll get there;
don’t know what
I’ll find.

Of

2005-07-26T12:16:00.000+05:30

all the things that
I've left behind,
I miss me the
most.

Affirmation

2005-07-20T15:58:00.000+05:30

I am
an Indian noodles.

Written on the back of a Madras auto. Still trying to figure out what it means. Other than of course, that he is an Indian noodle of some kind :-)

Rearranging

2005-07-18T16:08:00.000+05:30

those moments in my head;
first becomes second,
second moves a few spaces
and some,
some stay stuck,
refusing to change places.

Erm, exercise?

2005-07-14T10:49:00.000+05:30

Yeah, sure!
Right after I take
one more piece
of this lovely
chocolate cake.

Written for a Caferati exercise on "Exercise".

DON'T

2005-07-13T14:50:00.000+05:30

do urinals here.
Who does
Urinals here is
An Idiot and Scoundral!

Just read this ‘Piss off’ message on one of the oldest buildings in Bangalore, the one that houses the Cash Pharmacy. A beautiful stone building which is probably next in line for demolition to make way for one of those Hi-Tech horrors in concrete. Makes you wonder who the real idiots and scoundrels are, no?

Umbrage

2005-07-10T18:56:00.000+05:30

What you feel
towards your
Umbrella when it
abandons you in
the middle of a
downpour?

:-)

Promises

2005-07-07T11:20:00.000+05:30

"When we made love you used to cry
You said I love you like the stars above
I’ll love you till I die"

You are still alive.

Funny

2005-06-30T14:48:00.000+05:30

how I would
almost always
know it was you;
even in the days
before
caller id.

Axed Tree

2005-06-29T16:33:00.000+05:30

Would have stayed strong,
unbowed, defiant for years
if you hadn't come to pass;
instead, I am coiled
against a broken tile
waiting to wipe your
filthy arse.

Written for Shakespeare & Co. on the theme 'What if'.

Chennai (formerly Madras)

2005-06-29T16:25:00.000+05:30

mad, rash, heady days
of love, longing
lust, lost
now
like the beautiful
name you once had.

Written for a Caferati exercise on 'Cityscapes'.

Choking.

2005-06-23T16:15:00.000+05:30

These carelessly
strung spaces
between
us.

I

2005-06-23T16:12:00.000+05:30

feel like a
tooth ache
that won't
go away.

Sometimes

2005-06-17T15:14:00.000+05:30

I wish I hadn't seen
what I saw,
at least then
I wouldn't have become
me at all.

Lingering

2005-06-17T15:12:00.000+05:30

on like the silent partner
of a Messrs & Messrs (silent)
Co. Pvt. Ltd;
only to fade away
unnoticed, unwanted
some day.

Fear

2005-06-15T18:02:00.000+05:30

I still see her
sometimes;
free from the weight
of expectations,
drinking from a
can of baygon.

Brrrr!

2005-06-13T15:48:00.000+05:30

I pulled out the thermals
threw on more clothes;
slapped the creamy stuff
upon the sodding nose.

It may seem crazy that
in summer I'm so clad,
but ders a dold in my dead
dats driving me mad.

Written for the Madras Caferati Read-Meet, the theme being 'Summer'.

Love

2005-06-13T15:44:00.000+05:30

Remember that
day in May
when I found you
and lost me?

Written for the Madras Caferati Read-Meet, the theme being 'Summer'.

Thinking

2005-06-10T20:16:00.000+05:30

of the days
when phones had cords
wound
tightly around
you and me.

Warning!

2005-06-10T19:51:00.000+05:30

Step away
from the shattered heart
the shards may still
be on the floor.

Met

2005-06-03T22:45:00.000+05:30

a flashback
in black and white;
knuckles pressed
against a face
white,
tear across the lip
black.

Today

2005-06-03T15:16:00.000+05:30

I am making
compartments
of my life; and
placing them neatly
side by side.
Ones to show people
whenever they want,
and ones to
forever
hide.

Crush

2005-05-24T18:16:00.000+05:30

after use
after aching, thirsting, wanting
no more
use, crush
throw
use, crush
throw

Life

2005-05-19T11:14:00.000+05:30

has to be
I think,
eating a mango
messily
over the
kitchen sink.

Used

2005-05-13T18:42:00.000+05:30

to be a time
when every mole
had a
name;
wonder if you've
still kept
them the
same?
Or have they
newer, sweeter
spells,
now that they belong
to someone
else?

You

2005-05-10T17:38:00.000+05:30

took
tore
twisted
and left me
whole

sisters

2005-05-03T18:03:00.000+05:30

remembering a
childhood
sharing
sweetness,
softness,
and
the sticky sickness
of a
twisted man

Refreshing

2005-05-02T17:42:00.000+05:30

the same
page
(no, nothing yet)
can be
so tiring.

Last Night

2005-05-02T17:40:00.000+05:30

reaching
out to find
an empty space,
hoping you've
only
sleepwalked
to the other room?

miss

2005-05-02T17:36:00.000+05:30

the taste
of glue
on
the letters
sent to you

Suddenly Found!

2005-04-28T14:23:00.000+05:30

lost pages of
my diary
formerly
holding Secrets
now
spilling
peanuts by the roadside.

Together

2005-04-28T13:27:00.000+05:30

Talking in companionable silence

Hmm...this is nice.

remember?

2005-04-27T14:21:00.000+05:30

A gentle squeeze
from an old shoe,
nothing painful
(no, we don't do that now)
to remind the wearer
that once
this
pair was new,
loved,
and kept on the top shelf

want:

2005-04-27T12:36:00.000+05:30

four legs
dangling from a water tank
in the Garden
and time